does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
