Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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