Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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