I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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