from now on my penis is your penis
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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