Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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