so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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