Your face is a jimmy john
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
