I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
