I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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