I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
