omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
