my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
