Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
