Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
