She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
