i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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