She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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