I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
