I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
