well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
