I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
