maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
