JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
