he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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