During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
