I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
