Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
