Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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