The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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