I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
