Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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