Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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