you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
