party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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