Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
