I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize