No I am not eating basil off your cock
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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