It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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