I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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