The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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