So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
