I just threw up on my dentist
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
