Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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