You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
