i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
