just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
