some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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