ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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