i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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