I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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