So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
