i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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