I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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