i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
