First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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