omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
