New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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